The work-life challenge of the new decade
I had planned to ring in the New Year in a low-key fashion this year, after a decade of New Year’s Eves that more often than not failed to live up to gargantuan expectations. A luxurious dinner with a beloved man was decided upon. The menu included champagne, fois gras, delectable cheeses and meats and…oysters. Our low-key plans ended abruptly when my dinner partner sliced his hand opening said oysters. Off to the emergency room it was!
We were happily surprised by the speedy service of what we had expected would be a completely chaotic place. (I mean, NYC ER on NYE?) While waiting for his stitches, my dinner mate and I engaged in some light banter with two men from the medical staff. When hearing that the injury was inflicted in the process of food preparation, both of the medics laughed about how good it was to be married (at this, they simultaneously brandished their wedding bands). Since marrying, one proudly claimed never to cook or clean. The other said he had a rule about never doing dishes or laundry, which he claimed was alright because he cooked instead.
“OK,” I said. “Your wife never cooks then, since that is your domain?” To which he responded, “On no, I cook once a week. She cooks the other six. And does the dishes and the laundry. But I take care of the kids.” The same medic turned to my man-friend and smiled, “You’ve got to get ‘em early, and teach ‘em early. Later, it may be too late.” Wink wink. I can’t help but suspect that his idea of kid-care is somewhere up there with how often he cooks.
There are a couple of thoughts that can be gleaned from this:
a.) It was silly emergency room banter from a pair of jokesters. In reality, their wives have them whipped and washing up a storm of dish suds.
b.) We’ve found the answer to why women are increasingly unhappy these days (remember all the bruhaha around those unhappy women articles? Liz wrote a great comment on it entitled “Happyless: What’s up with women these days?”).
c.) These guys are proof of the stats that women still shoulder the brunt of the burden of domestic work in America.
It’s a frightening thought that though the “aughts” are over, hardly aught may have changed when it comes to the way in which domestic work is divvied up between men and women. A recent Economist article (“We did it: The rich world’s quiet revolution: women are gradually taking over the workplace”) congratulating women on enormous work-centric progress in recent years noted that the same progress cannot be said of how to balance work and family life.
One of the main reasons the ladies have such trouble balancing is that their menfolk still haven’t quite caught up with the fifty-fifty divide. Maybe women should start cockily establishing “rules” about what they do and do not do (like the medic had). When you establish such a rule, you are forcing your partner to do what you refuse to do- otherwise it will not get done (unless you have the resources to outsource).
In fact, my own father used to proudly proclaim that he did not wash “pots and pans,” leaving them in the sink after rinsing off plates and utensils. After I pointed out to him that what he was doing was essentially forcing his wife or daughters to pick up his slack, and how weirdly presumptuous that was, he was ashamed and washed the pots. How he couldn’t realize it before I explained it to him, I don’t know. What I do know, however, is that women don’t appear to feel as entitled as men to make blanket rules that effect those around them. (That, or they have less tolerance for filth.)
But of course we can’t blame everything on stubborn males. The fact is that with two adults in a family unit working full time, there is very little time for the family unit at all. You now need two spouses to provide materially what one man used to be able to provide for a middle class family. Sure, that came with all kind of unfairness (like how big companies used to have open policies of larger salaries for men than women doing the same job, since the men were expected to be providing for a family, and how many jobs required that women quit once they’d married.). But the fact of it is that today more working hours are needed per family for the same standard of living. Which begs the question: where are the children in this equation?
The Economist article suggests that the answer to the juggle for so many dual-earner families may lie in creating longer school hours and shorter summer vacation. But the thought of adding more hours away from home/free time/parents for children (when many already spend most of the day in some form of daycare facility) is quite unappealing.
The fact is that the days are getting longer for all of us, even the toddlers. How to solve this, I don’t pretend to know. Surely, flex-time, working from home, lengthy parental leave for fathers as well as mothers and the de-stigmatization of part-time work would do a lot to help. But in the end, society requires that we work…a lot.
A crucial challenge for the new decade, therefore, is how to make real progress for all members of the family without regressing to the kind of common backlash polemic that invariably demonizes progress for women. And how to make that kind of social progress viable in a competitive global economy.
- Astri
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In my short struggle with equally shared parenting (my oldest is almost four) the one thing that keeps impeding progress in our home is money. When the cost of living rises and the economy is downright terror-inducing, the person bringing home the most income and health insurance for four can’t be expected to jeopardize that life-sustaining position by constantly taking off early to shuttle the kids to the doctor or meet the sitters by 6pm. That doesn’t mean we don’t say to hell with that notion at times just to maintain some semblance of peace and balance but it’s become increasingly unrealistic to divide the kid and house gigs equally in this climate. It’s a problem worth solving, but it seems much more difficult today than it did three years ago. The only way to maintain work/home balance and gender equality under these tight, fragile conditions is for both partners to work more and spend less time with the kids. Progress? Doesn’t feel like it.
April,
I couldn’t agree more. And I’m sorry to say it. I wish there were easy solutions but, like you said, money is a very real reality and shapes the decisions we make, whether we want it to or not. It is a great point that the current economic climate is making equal parenting more difficult since many previous dual earners have lost one job in the family, or since the fear of losing a job makes it terrifying to take the kind of liberties that you might have taken before. Excellent point, really worth exploring more. I’m sure many more people feel as you do.
As we are pushed to work longer and harder, which is the case in an increasingly competitive globalized world even without the added stress of financially paralyzing recessions, what will happen to kids, to equal parenting, and to the quest for balance?
Good luck, and thanks for reading!
Astri
astri you are fantastic
Thank you for this Article. Fathers’ right to be a meaningful part of their childrens’ lives, have been eroded to the point of non-existence. My research suggests that this is a phenomenon consistent throughout the industrialized nations. Children who are alienated from their fathers are more likely later in life to have emotional/behavioral problems, suffer from depression, drop out of school, fail in their jobs, and suffer from other social problems. I invite you to visit my site devoted to raising awareness on this growing problem: http://fathersprivilege.blogspot.com/
Thank you for passing along the link to your work, I look forward to checking it out. Meanwhile, here are the links to a couple of blogs I wrote for Work.Life previously. The issue of fatherhood and reverse gender discrimination is a topic I feel very strongly about.
http://trueslant.com/lizandastri/2009/10/23/sweden-is-the-place-to-be-and-not-just-for-women/
http://trueslant.com/lizandastri/2009/06/22/read-this-before-your-first-father%E2%80%99s-day/
http://trueslant.com/lizandastri/2009/06/24/gen-y-parenting-and-asking-the-right-questions/
Sorry about the injury – Two thoughts prompted by your excellent post. First, being competitive in the global economy is not at risk. Countries with a vibrant social safety net (paid leave, paid vacation, unemployment insurance, disability insurance and some guaranteed pension) – i.e. all industrialized nations EXCEPT the US – do not demonstrate less competitive national economies. See the just published “Raising the Global Floor” by Jody Heymann. Also, we need to re-think the economic and societal value of carework. You’re right, familes DO need to spend time together. Healthy relationships of all types, and the process of raising children well, takes time. Well-adjusted, fully functioning people are the foundation of a competitive global economy. You won’t see a figure for it in the GDP – but that doesn’t mean it isn’t there. More paid work is not the answer. Valuing the unpaid but essential work of care, and implementing public policies that allow both paid and unpaid work in a single worklife, for both genders, is where we need to go now.
Your (Wo)Man In Washington
http://www.womaninwashington.org
Valerie,
I am from Sweden, a place that promotes some of the best work.life/family policies in the world, so I couldn’t agree with you more. But the vast majority of people, especially in the U.S., have trouble seeing how progressive social policies can go hand in hand with successful economics. As you are well aware, the U.S. is hugely behind other industrial nations when it comes to things like parental leave, vacation time, health care, sick leave etc. It has been disheartening to follow the health care debate this fall. Seeing that negative response, it is difficult to imagine that Americans will be eager to introduce other progressive policies that would help working families. The challenge, therefore, really lies in the process of convincing/proving that balance actually is good for business.
Also, thank you for pointing me in the direction of the Heymann piece- I admire her work greatly.